Out of an Emotional Heart

I hate being in a crowd
Yet, I hate being alone
I feel lonely when I am alone
But, I feel even more lonely
When I am among people

I feel sad
I feel angry
For feeling happy
When who I am
Aren't who I really am

You've ruined my childhood
You've ruined my youth
You've ruined my adulthood
You've ruined my emotions
Yet, your life goes on
Like nothing ever happened

I've tried to forgive
I've tried to forget
I've tried to go on in life
But, when I thought I did it
Then I realised maybe I didn't

It's just an incident
It's just part and parcel of life
It's the past
And there's nothing I can do about it
But why am I so troubled?
Why is it bothering me?
Even until today

They told me, God was with me
Where were You when it happened?
Why can't You just stopped it?

They told me, God knows everything
Yes, I agree with this
If You knew that it would happened
Why didn't You bring me far away from it?

They told me, things happened for a reason
Why did it happen?
What is the purpose?
Why me?

They told me, ask God when you see Him
Maybe I should see Him sooner
So that I may ask Him many questions
That has been bothering me for ages

They told me, I am work in progress
Would it be easier if non of this happened?
Then there wouldn't need to be any work

They never tell me
They will leave me
Once they have finished telling me

They never tell me
They will not walk with me
Through this journey

For they don't know
I can't be walking alone
For I've walked this journey for too long
Only God and me

The journey was and is long and difficult
The journey hurts so much
The journey I am still walking
Very much still only me and God
The journey I do not understand
So, I don't expect anyone to understand

I was always searching
For someone who will walk with me
And when I thought I found someone
They were like Job's friends
They spoke and they left
Everyone is carrying their own baggage
They have no time to bother about mine
For in life, you just can't fully depend on people

I am thankful
I am grateful
I am dumbfound
To have survive these many years
Without any help from people
It can be tiring and lonely
In fact, I am tired
I am lonely
I am at the edge of giving up
So, at times I wish
I am dead
It doesn't matter

Life is unfair
Life can be so cruel
Life will never be the same
For one like me

But, I choose to trust
I choose to have faith
In God they told me about

They told me
He is good
He is always good
He is love
He is merciful
He is God
He is my Father

My little mind can't make sense
Of everything they told me
But I still choose to believe
What they told me
About what God had said about me

I am work in progress
I am fearfully and wonderfully made
I am His child
He will never ever leave me
As long as I continue to walk closely with Him.

In everything
I give Him all the glories
Who give and take away
Blessed be name of the Lord!