I hate being in a crowd
Yet, I hate being alone
I feel lonely when I am alone
But, I feel even more lonely
When I am among people
I feel sad
I feel angry
For feeling happy
When who I am
Aren't who I really am
You've ruined my childhood
You've ruined my youth
You've ruined my adulthood
You've ruined my emotions
Yet, your life goes on
Like nothing ever happened
I've tried to forgive
I've tried to forget
I've tried to go on in life
But, when I thought I did it
Then I realised maybe I didn't
It's just an incident
It's just part and parcel of life
It's the past
And there's nothing I can do about it
But why am I so troubled?
Why is it bothering me?
Even until today
They told me, God was with me
Where were You when it happened?
Why can't You just stopped it?
They told me, God knows everything
Yes, I agree with this
If You knew that it would happened
Why didn't You bring me far away from it?
They told me, things happened for a reason
Why did it happen?
What is the purpose?
They told me, ask God when you see Him
Maybe I should see Him sooner
So that I may ask Him many questions
That has been bothering me for ages
They told me, I am work in progress
Would it be easier if non of this happened?
Then there wouldn't need to be any work
They never tell me
They will leave me
Once they have finished telling me
They never tell me
They will not walk with me
Through this journey
For they don't know
I can't be walking alone
For I've walked this journey for too long
Only God and me
The journey was and is long and difficult
The journey hurts so much
The journey I am still walking
Very much still only me and God
The journey I do not understand
So, I don't expect anyone to understand
I was always searching
For someone who will walk with me
And when I thought I found someone
They were like Job's friends
They spoke and they left
Everyone is carrying their own baggage
They have no time to bother about mine
For in life, you just can't fully depend on people
I am thankful
I am grateful
I am dumbfound
To have survive these many years
Without any help from people
It can be tiring and lonely
In fact, I am tired
I am lonely
I am at the edge of giving up
So, at times I wish
I am dead
It doesn't matter
Life is unfair
Life can be so cruel
Life will never be the same
For one like me
But, I choose to trust
I choose to have faith
In God they told me about
They told me
He is good
He is always good
He is love
He is merciful
He is God
He is my Father
My little mind can't make sense
Of everything they told me
But I still choose to believe
What they told me
About what God had said about me
I am work in progress
I am fearfully and wonderfully made
I am His child
He will never ever leave me
As long as I continue to walk closely with Him.
I give Him all the glories
Who give and take away
Blessed be name of the Lord!
Thursday, June 18, 2015
Beautiful and magnificent
Painter of the skies
Never stop to amaze me
But this beauty
Lasted only a while
Before darkness sets in
And began the beauty of night sky
Is like life
At times, it can be
Beautiful and magnificent
But it will never last long
Before darkness of life sets it
Yet, if you see it carefully
You will realised
The same painter of the skies
Is also the painter of life
He will paint the darkness with beauty
Only if you realised
In all its beauty
Made me nostalgic
I thought I had a closure
But I cannot help
But to continue missing this land
I once called my 3rd home
Which is more home
Than my own hometown
I miss Miri
For you can take me out of Miri
But you can't take Miri out of me
I want to see you
If possible everyday
For you show me
What a vast world
I am living in
Life is more than
What I am going through
The main thing
You show me
That there is a Creator
If can paint such a magnificent skies
Will definitely be able to paint a beutiful life
If not here
A place I called my real home.
Monday, June 15, 2015
By hook or by crook, please do not give up on life.
Because the day I give up on life,
Will be the day I give up on God.
Telling Him I do not trust Him anymore.
There is no reason to live and thus,
Do not lie to me about the purpose of life,
Of hope, because there isn't such a thing.
I did not asked to be born on this Earth,
So why should I secure my place in Heaven?
You brought me here,
You should be the one who needs to make sure I go there.
Life is harsh
Life is so unfair
As for now,
I am still not giving up on life.
I may not have got the answer to every whys,
But I know that He who made me,
Will be with me till the end of it.
The past has passed.
What had happened, happened.
There is nothing I can do
To change what is passed.
Life is harsh, I don't deny.
Why do I need to live in the past?
What happened to me isn't that horrible,
That it should crush my today.
What I did was wrong but,
Today did no wrong to me.
I may not understand the purpose of living.
I may not understand anything.
Because this life is to be lived,
Not to be understood.
Even if I am a "zombie" for God,
So let it be!
He breathe life into me,
So, unto Him shall my breath belongs.
"Please do not give up!", said Rev Lucy.
Wednesday, June 10, 2015
I wish I have the courage...
...to go beyond my stepping ground
...to leave this country and move to another country.
...to leave my current job and venture into where my heart belongs. For I always feel that I belong to the nature. I belong to the rivers and the jungles.
...to go against the current education system and do something that will make a different in the lives of my students.
...to pursue my dream of becoming a preacher.
...to leave everything aside and answer my desire of becoming a missionary.
...to get out of my coconut shell and speak and talk to people around me.
...to be an encourager to those who are hurt and who had gone through what I had gone through.
...to stay alone and do what I did when I was in Miri.
...to step up and move forward according to what He had enabled me to do.
...to continue living this life positively.
...to end this life because I am to tired to live...but I know this is not an option to even think about it but I do think of it once in a while.
...to go on silent retreat that might change my life forever. Who knows?
But...for now...I do not have the courage to do the things above...maybe because...
He still wants me as a human called a teacher to be a friend, a mentor, an encourger, a missionary in school, a preacher in my classrooms, to be a good example, to be a life changer to all my students...
To make a difference in this broken and huting world....
To bring hope and love in this hopeless world and love that has different meanings.
Even so, I still wish I have the courage....
Lord, please grant me the courage to do only Your will for me and help me let go of my dreams and wills. I do not deserve this life after all that I have done, but help me never forget this 2nd chance of life You graciously gave me. Even if I can live for myself, help me live for the sake of others. In Jesus' name. Amen.