Living on regrets makes one sorrow.
Learning from regrets makes one grow.
So, I have been living on regrets which are making me sorrowful, BUT today, I shall write my regrets, make amendment to it, learn from it and move on, for the sake of my growth that I shall bring honour and glory unto Him.
I have been living with regrets since the day I shared during Plenary session for Young Teachers.
I realised many things as I reflected on what came out of my mouth into the ears of others.
One... I was depending fully on my own ability, my own words, my own ideas...basically...all on my own strength.
Two... I was full of ego and pride. I spoke out of my own experiences of eight years as if it was all my own doing, being so experience and being so proud of it.
Three... I was self-glorifying myself with all the works I have done.
What was the cause?
One... I was not praying as how I should.
Two... I was doing too much, without a pause.
Three... I was not in a close relationship with Him all the time.
I regretted all that I've said, and I wish I could turn back time, do it all over again, but I could not, the damaged had been done. There is no turning back, except to make amendment right here and now. I frankly can't remember much the question posted to us but whatever I remember, I will amend it here.
Everything was actually by His grace. I realised I am able to do nothing without Him. I needed Him all the time whether I realised it or not. When I thought I could do everyone on my own, that's when I fall,
Having a Father who taught along with me was the greatest joy because I know when a situation is out of my control, I will be reminded to step back, and let God take the lead. It's not an easy thing to do when we are controlled by emotions and our hands and body works faster than our mind. Prayer does make all the difference.
Second, my students, they are God's gift to me that brings me much joy in my teaching as a vocation. Despite being faced with reality of this cruel world around us, having them around and before me, allows me to see God's love before me. I am strict and I do believe in discipline, but all done in the name of love. There is time for everything, there is time to be serious and there is time to be crazy.
TCF is God's gift to me to help me stay in my vocation as His instrument in my mission field, the school called SMK St Joseph, Miri. I can't deny it that I had a difficult time since the day I came into this school. I never knew the reason God put me in this school and all I could think of is, "Any other school is better than this school. I am going far far away from this school."
I survived the 8 years in this school with much tears, prayers, pain and being angry with everyone and everything because I could not take it any longer.
I was a TCF life member when I was in Form 6 but not until 2009 or was it 2010? can't remember but anyway, did God changed me from the inside out. He revealed His purpose to me, He let me see from a different perspective, He changed my heart, He spoke to me on many things.
Problems do not disappear, but I am still able to smile through it because I know He is a God. I am reminded again and again, this is the 2nd chance of life He had given me, and I will not waste it away. Who am I to complain when I do not deserve anything, but He had given me everything.
I am not perfect. I still make mistakes and I have my flaws, but it's again, His grace that forgave me. I am still learning and I will never stop learning because I am not perfect.
Conclusion... IT WAS ALL BY HIS GRACE & MERCY! And, by His grace and mercy, shall I go through my many more years in this teaching ministry, all for Him, all about Him, less of me and more of Him.
Now, I am able to sleep and live (die) in peace, knowing I am not saying this amendment only to the limited ears of the conferees but to the borderless world.
Praise and glory be unto Him, who is ALL!