Silence

Silence
Is all I need
To be able to hear Him speak

Silence
Is when I am in tune
With myself and with Him

Silence
Is a skill I need to practice
In this busy and noisy world

Silence
Is what I've learnt
During my preach retreat

Silence
Is to be quiet
Both in my mind, my heart and in my soul

Silence
Is to be filled
With His love, His grace, His mercy

Silence
Is to able to breathe
This very life He has breathe into us

Father Roberto said, "When we are comfortable with silence, then we will be able to listen to the Lord. The language of God is silence".

Faith to See Beyond What I Can See

While I was so fed-up with life and everything that comes with it...there God gave me this song I found on YouTube and while I was learning how to sign it in ASL...suddenly I found God speaking to me through the song. He comforted me a lot....and that's how I am able to pull myself through this physically alone.

Let me share it...

It seems like there's so much to hope for
So many dreams I wish they all could come through
When I think about Your ways, Lord
It gives so much faith in all that You do

Faith to see beyond what I can see
Faith to know that You will do great things
I will trust You, Lord
I always believe
As I hold on to my faith
Jesus, You are holding on to me.

Many things I will not be able to understand. Many things will go on repeating itself. Many things will happen, be it good or bad and that's about it. It's all about faith....in God whom I believe in. The words from the songs echo what my heart should be be saying.

It's all about faith! It's that simple!

Out of an Emotional Heart

I hate being in a crowd
Yet, I hate being alone
I feel lonely when I am alone
But, I feel even more lonely
When I am among people

I feel sad
I feel angry
For feeling happy
When who I am
Aren't who I really am

You've ruined my childhood
You've ruined my youth
You've ruined my adulthood
You've ruined my emotions
Yet, your life goes on
Like nothing ever happened

I've tried to forgive
I've tried to forget
I've tried to go on in life
But, when I thought I did it
Then I realised maybe I didn't

It's just an incident
It's just part and parcel of life
It's the past
And there's nothing I can do about it
But why am I so troubled?
Why is it bothering me?
Even until today

They told me, God was with me
Where were You when it happened?
Why can't You just stopped it?

They told me, God knows everything
Yes, I agree with this
If You knew that it would happened
Why didn't You bring me far away from it?

They told me, things happened for a reason
Why did it happen?
What is the purpose?
Why me?

They told me, ask God when you see Him
Maybe I should see Him sooner
So that I may ask Him many questions
That has been bothering me for ages

They told me, I am work in progress
Would it be easier if non of this happened?
Then there wouldn't need to be any work

They never tell me
They will leave me
Once they have finished telling me

They never tell me
They will not walk with me
Through this journey

For they don't know
I can't be walking alone
For I've walked this journey for too long
Only God and me

The journey was and is long and difficult
The journey hurts so much
The journey I am still walking
Very much still only me and God
The journey I do not understand
So, I don't expect anyone to understand

I was always searching
For someone who will walk with me
And when I thought I found someone
They were like Job's friends
They spoke and they left
Everyone is carrying their own baggage
They have no time to bother about mine
For in life, you just can't fully depend on people

I am thankful
I am grateful
I am dumbfound
To have survive these many years
Without any help from people
It can be tiring and lonely
In fact, I am tired
I am lonely
I am at the edge of giving up
So, at times I wish
I am dead
It doesn't matter

Life is unfair
Life can be so cruel
Life will never be the same
For one like me

But, I choose to trust
I choose to have faith
In God they told me about

They told me
He is good
He is always good
He is love
He is merciful
He is God
He is my Father

My little mind can't make sense
Of everything they told me
But I still choose to believe
What they told me
About what God had said about me

I am work in progress
I am fearfully and wonderfully made
I am His child
He will never ever leave me
As long as I continue to walk closely with Him.

In everything
I give Him all the glories
Who give and take away
Blessed be name of the Lord!

Sunset

Sunset...
Beautiful and magnificent
Painter of the skies
Never stop to amaze me
But this beauty
Lasted only a while
Before darkness sets in
And began the beauty of night sky

Sunset...
Is like life
At times, it can be
Beautiful and magnificent
But it will never last long
Before darkness of life sets it
Yet, if you see it carefully
You will realised
The same painter of the skies
Is also the painter of life
He will paint the darkness with beauty
Only if you realised

Sunset...
In all its beauty
Made me nostalgic
I thought I had a closure
But I cannot help
But to continue missing this land
I once called my 3rd home
Which is more home
Than my own hometown
I miss Miri
For you can take me out of Miri
But you can't take Miri out of me

Sunset...
I want to see you
If possible everyday
For you show me
What a vast world
I am living in
Life is more than
What I am going through
The main thing
You show me
That there is a Creator
Who
If can paint such a magnificent skies
Will definitely be able to paint a beutiful life
For me
For us
For all
If not here
In eternity
A place I called my real home.

"Please Do Not Give Up"

By hook or by crook, please do not give up on life.
Because the day I give up on life,
Will be the day I give up on God.
Telling Him I do not trust Him anymore.
There is no reason to live and thus,
Do not lie to me about the purpose of life,
Of hope, because there isn't such a thing.

I did not asked to be born on this Earth,
So why should I secure my place in Heaven?
You brought me here,
You should be the one who needs to make sure I go there.
Life is harsh
Life is so unfair
Life sucks!

But,
As for now,
I am still not giving up on life.
I may not have got the answer to every whys,
But I know that He who made me,
Will be with me till the end of it.

The past has passed.
What had happened, happened.
There is nothing I can do
To change what is passed.
Life is harsh, I don't deny.

Why do I need to live in the past?
What happened to me isn't that horrible,
That it should crush my today.
What I did was wrong but,
Today did no wrong to me.

I may not understand the purpose of living.
I may not understand anything.
Because this life is to be lived,
Not to be understood.
Even if I am a "zombie" for God,
So let it be!
He breathe life into me,
So, unto Him shall my breath belongs.

Until then,
"Please do not give up!", said Rev Lucy.

Courage

I wish I have the courage...
...to go beyond my stepping ground
...to leave this country and move to another country.
...to leave my current job and venture into where my heart belongs. For I always feel that I belong to the nature. I belong to the rivers and the jungles.
...to go against the current education system and do something that will make a different in the lives of my students.
...to pursue my dream of becoming a preacher.
...to leave everything aside and answer my desire of becoming a missionary.
...to get out of my coconut shell and speak and talk to people around me.
...to be an encourager to those who are hurt and who had gone through what I had gone through.
...to stay alone and do what I did when I was in Miri.
...to step up and move forward according to what He had enabled me to do.
...to continue living this life positively.
...to end this life because I am to tired to live...but I know this is not an option to even think about it but I do think of it once in a while.
...to go on silent retreat that might change my life forever. Who knows?

But...for now...I do not have the courage to do the things above...maybe because...

He still wants me as a human called a teacher to be a friend, a mentor, an encourger, a missionary in school, a preacher in my classrooms, to be a good example, to be a life changer to all my students...

To make a difference in this broken and huting world....

To bring hope and love in this hopeless world and love that has different meanings.

Even so, I still wish I have the courage....

Lord, please grant me the courage to do only Your will for me and help me let go of my dreams and wills. I do not deserve this life after all that I have done, but help me never forget this 2nd chance of life You graciously gave me. Even if I can live for myself, help me live for the sake of others. In Jesus' name. Amen.

Of Dreams & Fate

Dear Hannah, Gareth Chase and Elyssa,

You were my dreams. You were supposed to exist here in the world but it never happened. It is just a matter of fate. I was not meant to have the three of you but I chose your name way before anything happened.

It was my dream to hold the three of you in my arms.

Though you may have never seen me and known me, I miss the three of you.

Though you may have never seen me and known me, I love the three of you...very much.

Though I may have never seen you and known you, I sort of dedicate your life to God because if ever I had the three of you, I know it would be the greatest gift of all from Above!

I know this sounded crazy but ...... the reality is......God may have His own reason for all this not or maybe never to happen in my life.

I miss you my darlings....Hannah, Gareth Chase and Elyssa!

Thou Shall Speak!

In the midst of it all
Trying so hard to be positive
Putting up a high spirit
Trying so hard to learn
With all the ability given me
I thought He called
He will also equipped
I believe so strongly
Living up to it so confidently.

Then not long
All came crushing down
With words unheard
But voices so loud and clear
"What are you doing here?"
Was all my heart hears
Though it was not spoken
But the meaning I caught it.

Shocked!
My spirit was crushed
My heart was broken
My mind went spinning
To speak or not to speak
Silence was my choice
Because I know He knows
I did this all for His sake.

Then He reminded
I will always be with you
Never will I leave you
Nor forsake you
Lift your spirit up
For you have few days to go
He is my strength
He is my provider.

I learn
Word hurts
How you say it
Hurts even more
Because I am also human
With feelings
Just like you
If you have forgotten.

My Weekend

My journey began on Friday, 15th June 2012 and here lies my memories and reflections and etc.

Flight cancelled.
It was the longest journey for me in order to reach Sibu... approximately 10 hours...travelling from north to south and finally to Sibu. I finally got it and felt that God is really so real. I was actually very nervous about the whole conference thing but by the time I reached Sibu at 11pm with all the waiting and tiredness and sleepiness...I've forgotten about being nervous and too tired to think anymore. I was more concerned that I arrive Sibu. Haha....my oh my...this is how God works.

TCF Sarawak Annual Conference.

Dr Tan Ming Tang : My 1st morning at the conference, God was already teaching me. My lesson, it's all about the willingness of my heart...He will take care of all the rest. It's not so much of what I am good at but it's more of He will use me with everything that I have...even the smallest thing. He can do wondrous with the little I have. So, "Here I am, Lord!".

Somebody : Look beyond the students...there may lies many unknown stuff in them. Learn to give...a little will bring them far into life.

Dr Tan Buck Chye : Mind-mapping!!! The best of all. God gave me this just in time for me to prepare my sharing...and maybe many other sharings or maybe talks!! Hahaha....the coolest of all....

Photography : I think my skills has improved...haha... I think lah.

Friends : I met so many people and Jennifer Chew's advice was the best....start making friends by SMILING!! So simple and so effective. Apart from all, I got to meet Pearly, Elaine and Siew Ping...just like old old time when all of us were in Miri. I miss those days. *sigh*

My memory is bad. I can't remember what I've learnt d...NOOO!!!

I better start practicing my mind-mapping before all gone.

6 Months

6 months had passed.

The days are drawing closer.

Hearts are pounding, minds are swirling.

Life is still good, in fact, too good.

My 1st SU camp as a volunteer. 

The best that happened during this holiday.

The kids scared me off on first day.

Then I fell in love with them.

Faces so cute, physically so active.

Stories after stories they would tell.

Their life in this decade is definitely not an easy one.

I do miss them especially my group, Caleb.

You are the best, though always disappearing.

It's so good to be back!

God has been really good to me.

Since the day He promised.

He'll bless me more than I can ever imagined.

If I would let go.

I did.

It wasn't easy but I did.

Because I wanted to change.

Whenever He took one away, He gave new one.

It has been happening.

I'm forever grateful.

For two special people.

He brought into my life.

The least expected of all.

The one I could share.

My deepest secret of all.

My deepest sorrow.

In hope to share the joy that I am living now.

What else could I ask for?

You gave me the best.

6 more months to go.

I'm excited, I'm anxious.

I'm waiting, I'm hoping.

For the many things that will be happening.

In this life He gave me. 

All for His glory!

90/10 Principle

Discover the 90/10 Principle: It will change your life. The 90/10 principle is incredible!

What is this principle?

10% of life is made up of what happens to you. 90% of life is decided by how you react.

What does this mean?

We really have no control over 10% of what happens to us. We cannot stop the car from breaking down. The plane may be late arriving, which throws our whole schedule off. A driver may cut us off in traffic. We have no control over this 10%. The other 90% is different. You determine the other 90%!

How?

By your reaction. You cannot control a red light, but you can control your reaction. Don't let people fool you; YOU can control how you react!

Let's use an example. You're eating breakfast with your family. Your daughter knocks over a cup of coffee onto your business shirt. You have no control over what just happened. What happens next will determined by how you react.

You curse. You harshly scold your daughter for knocking the coffee cup over. She breaks down in tears. After scolding her, you turn to your spouse and criticize them for placing the cup too close to the edge of the table. A short verbal battle follows. You storm upstairs and change your shirt. Back downstairs you find your daughter has been too busy crying to finish breakfast and get ready for school.

She misses the bus. Your spouse must leave immediately for work. You rush to the car and drive your daughter to school. Because you are late, you drive 40 miles an hour in a 30mph speed limit. After a 15-minute delay and throwing $60 (traffic fine) away, you arrive school. Your daughter runs to the building without saying good-bye. After arriving at the office 20 minutes late, you find you forgot your briefcase. Your day started terrible. As it continues, it seems to get worse and worse. You look forward to going home. When you arrive home you find small wedge in your relationship with your spouse and daughter.

Why? Because of how you reacted in the morning. Why did you have a bad day?

A) Did the coffee cause it?

B) Did your daughter cause it?

C) Did the policeman cause it?

D) Did you cause it?

The answer is D. You had no control over what happened. Coffee splashes over you. Your daughter is about to cry. You gently say, "It's OK honey, you just need to be more careful next time". Grabbing towel you rush upstairs. After grabbing a new shirt and your briefcase. You come back down in time look through the window and see your child getting on the bus. She turns and waves. You and your spouse kiss before you both go to work. You arrive 5 minutes early and cheerfully greet the staff. Your boss comments on how good the day you are having.

Notice the difference? Two different scenarios. Both started the same. Both ended different. Why? Because of how you REACTED. You really do not have any control over 10% of what happens. The other 90% is determined by your reaction.

Here are some ways to apply 90/10 principle. If someone says something negative about you, do not be a sponge. Let the attack roll off like water on glass. You do not have to let the negative comment affect you! React properly and it will not ruin your day. A wrong reaction could result in losing a friend, being fired, getting stressed out, etc.

How do you react if someone cuts you off in traffic? Do you lose your temper? Pound the steering wheel? Do you curse? Does your blood pressure skyrocket? Do you try and bump them? WHO CARES if you arrive ten seconds later at work? Why let the cars ruin your drive. Remember the 90/10 principle, and do not worry about it!

You are told you lost your job. Why lose sleep or get irritated? It will work out. Use your "worrying" energy and time finding another job.

The plane is late. It is going to mangle your schedule for the day. Why take out your frustration on the flight attendant? She has no control over what is going on. Use your time to study, get to know other passenger, etc. Why get stressed out? It will just make things worse.

When the cardiologist tells you that there's nothing they can do for your heart condition. Instead of feeling depressed why not just lift up your heart to the Lord and say, "Lord, now my faulty heart is in Your hand".

Now you know the 90/10 principle. Apply it and you will be amazed at the results. I have tried it and it had worked wonders for me. Why not give it a try?

AUTHOR UNKNOWN

Of Khmer Vowels and Consonants...

Hi! I'm back! My old lappy "kong".... now with Toshiba...hehe

Fascinated by Josephine and all the rest who were able to learn new language in 3 months... I was wondering if I am able to at least get somewhere to learning new language in 8 months??? Haha.

I may achieve it, I may not....but this is really fun.

But .... whoa .... Khmer is not an easy language to learn. Let me begin my story...

I started out learning numbers in Khmer which of course I had more fun writing it than actually memorizing it.

My 1st time writing in Khmer...this is just numbers....e.g. 1, 2, 3 etc...

Then I was thinking...why not I try learning their ABC.... I found out they have 23 vowels. Wow! And everything sounded the same!!! No!!!

My 2nd attempt writing their vowels because I found that my handwriting was horrible.

I was so excited writing, I went into writing out their consonants which consist 33 of them and lo and behold, it was even worse than the vowels, it sounded all alike, I could not differentiate them.

Some of the consonants...

After the consonants, I found out this below....I can't remember what is it called but in Khmer it is called [jerng]. Another thing to memorize. Sharks!

The [jerng]... the extra tiny and not so tiny writing...

Before I completed my numbers and vowels and consonants, I went straight into word, which was my mistake but I just love writing it...hehe...

Vowels and consonants and [jerng] formed words!!! Haha...so happy...!!

After everything, I found out that I was really too fast. I slowed down, memorized all the vowels and get all the pronunciation correct before I move to consonants.

Now, after all the confusion on the consonants, I learned that it is easier for me to group it up like below. Now, it's a little easier for me to remember, because it has some similarity.

I wrote again all the consonants because I forgot to bring my book.

My writing gets better, right? Haha...

Now, I'm trying to memorize this 15 consonants. Sure not easy for me who has attention span of not more than 10 minutes...haha...

Apart from all these writings and learning vowels and consonants, I need to learn how to learm "nih yey khmer" (to speak khmer). In the situation now, speaking is better for me than reading.

Will I succeed? Hahaha...I am not sure myself....but I am enjoying every moment. I have roughly 8 months to go. So, chia yiu..gambateh...go go go!!!

Lea Sen Hai 2011

I'm back at the end of 2011.

In one word, with all my limited vocabulary, P.R.I.V.I.L.E.G.E.

It was a privilege to be able to be at TCF Jubilee Conference 2011. My 1st TCF conference was in KT when I was in my form 6. So, this is my 1st as a teacher.

It was a privilege to be in TCF exco and I still wonder, "Who am I that I should be in this exco?", and at the end of 2011, "What have I contribute as an exco?". Nothing much but do my presence count? hehe. This is something that never was on my mind.

It was a privilege to be able to in Kampuchea, TWICE!!! Kampuchea is very close to my heart. Though at times I still feel like an alien in that land but another part of me felt so at home...so familiar. Simply so happy each time I'm back there.

It was a privilege to be able to be the proud owner of D7000! ...and I am truly my dad's daughter, when I realised that it was his hobby too once upon a time. A very expensive hobby.

It was a privilege to be able to finally step my feet in Bario and breathe the fresh and cool air. It was truly a dream come true. I'm so glad and looking forward to go there again one day.

It was a privilege to witness TCF 50th Anniversary Celebration at DUMC and to be an unofficial photographer there. So panicky but yet it was such a happy challenge. I enjoyed every moment.

It was a privilege to represent the 5th decade during the launching of the Time Capsule that will be opened on TCF 60th Anniversary. God is simply so good.

It was a privilege to share my Teaching As A Vocation during the SU National Leadership Camp, but I sucks there. Too panic and I am really a NO NO speaker.

It was a privilege to attend MCT Retreat...even though just for a while...worth it. Got to see more, hear more, learm more.

It was a privilege to be the owner of one unit in Subang Perdana Goodyear Court 8. No castle, but it's a blessing from Above.

It was a privilege to be scolded...that I might practice patience and know that each human think differently. What we think is OK might not be OK for others.

It was a privilege to be given good health because many out there are suffering from sickness...and I can't do anything to take away their misery and pain, simply to PRAY!

It was a privilege to have friends...near and far...good and bad...all for us to learn to love each other, for God is love!

It was a privilege to still have people I can call F.A.M.I.L.Y. They are always the one I take for granted, but in the end of the day, they are the one that will stay by your side when all have gone.

Frankly, I did not achieve much in my resolution but God achieved much more in me.

I am not perfect, but always made perfect by Him.

I am still thankful for my life today and I still owe it unto Him who gave me His all.

Thank You, Father for 2011.

Goodbye 2011!

A Place Called Bario!

It was a dream come true...

Finally, I'm up in Bario....though it was only for the weekend plus our flight was delayed. We only had exactly 24 hours in Bario due to the delay, but God was very good.

It has been raining daily in Miri and when the day finally arrived, we were afraid that our flight might be cancelled or we might not be able to come back on Sunday itself back to Miri.

But we got to Bario safely with a nice, cool and lovely skies, not sunny, and yet not gloomy. It was just perfect.

As we reached the arrival hall at the airport, Mr Harriss picked us up and we had a great ride back to Nancy & Harriss Homestay.

With a hungry and grumpy stomach, I waited impatiently for Aunty Nancy to get lunch ready. When food was served, "Wow!"...it was such a sumptuous meal. I had 3 servings of delicious and smooth texture Bario rice. Aunty Nancy is a great cook.

After lunch, we were off exploring Bario. I had 2 mission to accomplish: to meet up with Seluma and to get the wooden board. Only one accomplished, met up with Seluma and gave her some stuff for her Penan kids.

We walked all the way to e Bario and back to Bario Asal, took lots of photo along the way. I am so amazed with Bario. Never thought of it as a more than lovely place with more than lovely and friendly folks. It's always so good to get away from the bustling city with 1001 pollution.

We went back to our homestay at almost 6pm if I am not mistaken. Sorry, I have not been wearing watches, so I have no idea what was the time. All I know, we got back, in time to have our cold cold bath and in time for dinner.

Oh yes....I will never forget this. Y2K mini market, don't ever want to go there again. So super unfriendly among the friendly folks of Bario. We were customers and she can make such a sour face and I consider rude for their well-known gentle attitude. So, make me wonder if she is Kelabits or even the locals of Bario.

Dinner was super great too. The weather was getting colder. We had a wonderful fellowship in the living room among us. My head was throbbing but it was too good to take medicine and sleep at such an early hour in Bario. So, we ate and talked, some were busy taking photos and all.

We finally slept at I have no idea again what was the time. We slept. It was cold but I felt a little stuffy because all the windows and the door was closed. Actually, I was so tempted to sleep at the living room but eventually, I slept after popping in 2 panadol soluble.

We woke up to a beautiful misty morning. I had my cold cold cold bath and actually enjoyed it very much. The water was so cold it felt like bathing ice water. Quickly packed my stuff, took my book and my tablet, opened the door and sat at the veranda.

I realised I woke up too late to enjoy the morning alone. Everyone was awake after I was outside. Haha...so, again, it was a fellowship time.

When I went to the kitchen, I was glad and surprised to see Mr Harriss was getting ready to cook breakfast for us. Again, I saw pineapple!! Haha...every meal we will have pineapple.

Breakfast was cooked by Mr Harriss and boy, Mr Harriss is a good cook as well...surprised, surprised! It was our last meal at Bario. I had mixed feeling that morning, knowing I will be leaving Bario soon.

I did not want to leave Bario but I had to. After breakfast, both, Mr & Mrs Harriss brought us to their pineapple plantation by their Hilux. Another great journey. So lovely I have not enough vocabulary to describe them. On the way there, with the condition of the road and when I saw a man made bridge using logs, it brought me back to Pa Adang. I miss Pa Adang very much too, but sad I could not go this time.

Then, we were very quiet when we were on our way to the airport...if not them, me. I really wish I could stay a little longer in Bario. I miss Bario, I miss the homestay, I miss the food, I miss the fellowship we had among us and with Aunty Nancy. I miss the people there.

It was goodbye...but it will not be the first and the last. I will be back in Bario!!!

Unjokingly Old

Happy Belated 8th Anniversary to me!

This is officially my 8th year in Miri and also in my vocation as an educator.

Although I am very sad that I could forget about some thing this important, but at least I finally remember it.

It's not about celebrating it on my own but every year, I would give God the glory and this year, I'm doing the same.

I give You, Father, all the glory for all these years that You were with me through thick and thin in this mission field and in this vocation. I will not be blinded by so many demands of other ministry and forgo this main calling of mine. I will forever hold on to this calling until it is all done and move on.

You have been faithful and Your goodness, there never seem to be an end to it.

To God be the glory!

You are the best!

Life of a Boat

Recently, I had the privilege to be on a boat. It was such a different scenario altogether. No more surrounded by land but waters and boardwalk. Away from the hectic life where everyone seem to be rushing here and there.

It was such a peace to be on the boat, with the view of the ocean...ok...near the ocean. God was really good. The skies were extra lovely on the day we were there. Thanks to our dear friend.

At times, I still wish I would be somewhere far far away from the world around me, in the middle of an ocean where nothing you see except water and more water.

At times, I wish I am surrounded by my loved ones...just like a school of dolphins following me on a sailing journey.

At times, I wish I am never alone...the stars spreading across the skies...the moon shinning bright into the starry night.

At times, I wish to be comforted...like the comfort of a "house" in the boat...so cosy, so at home...so at peace.

At times, I wish I would not be absorbed into the rat race of life...sailing gracefully through the ocean.

At times, I wish I did not make the mistake I did...the lighthouse flashing its light to show it's getting near to the land.

At times, I wish I would not be writing nonsense here like now....sailing to who knows where, just because I have all the time and fuel in the world.

Life is always great...focusing on our next destination where we would parked our boat...and enjoy all over again...the beautiful scenery of a shipyard. The skies above and beyond...waters all around...till the next journey.

Minus the STORM!

Sweet, Sweet Josiah!

This piece was written after I visited him for the 2nd time at HKL. It has been a year since that day...I still could not understand but that night, God gave me this...

Sweet, sweet Josiah...

Though your eyes were not fully opened,

yet it shows the love God is showering upon you.

Though your hands did not move,

yet it holds the promises of God.

Though you can't walk,

yet you walk the grace of God.

Though you are all wired up,

yet your heart beats the heart of God.

Though it has been a long time,

yet you tick the time of God.

Though we could not see you smile,

yet you smile the smile of angels.

Though you are pushed around,

yet you prove the faithfulness of God.

Though you never knew me,

yet you show me God.

Though you never know what future holds for you,

yet your fragile body prove of God's great future for each one of us.

Sweet, sweet Josiah...

I will never forget what you had taught me in your silence.

Sweet, sweet Josiah!

Lost Gained

The lost years

Was something I do not want to remember

But at times I am reminded of it

Tears flow through the very inner most of my heart

The lost years

I will never forget

Because it was something that changed my life

And crushed my heart to pieces

The lost years

I must not forget

It was there to help me grow

Into who I am today

The lost years

Where I tasted His grace and mercy

Though I was not worthy of it

Yet He added love into the above

The lost years

Reminded me of who I was

Broken, filthy, bruised, helpless

But a hand stretched out to this me

The lost years

Was somehow gained

Because He made me appreciate who I am today

By giving me this second chance to live

The lost years

Must not be forgotten

It was who I was before that made me who I am today

Simply by Him who never gave up on me

The lost years

Was claimed back by Him

Through the blood that He shed

On that day He died on the cross

For YOU and for ME!

Sva Kom Mok Kampuchea!

Welcome to Kampuchea!

I'm really happy to be back to this land that touched my heart. Being back to Toul Sleng Genocide Museum and Killing Fields for the 3rd time never tires my soul. I was sad and could never understand why and how can they be so cruel, and I still could not even until now, but this time, every single step, every single view, strengthen my heart to do all I could for the people of this land, knowing God's favour will rest upon this land, upon every hearts.

Clicking the most pictures in my 31 years of life (about 2000) is such an experience and though it tired out my fingers, hand and shoulder, I rejoiced with every opportunity I had to be able to capture almost every precious moment on this land, the Reading Bus, the children, the life, the older generation, the scenery, food and anything that I was in time to capture.

The children's faces is what I enjoyed capturing the most. Such lovely and sweet faces even though they were actually quite covered with dust. When I see the children, how could my heart not have any feelings? The future of Cambodia lies in them and the future starts now.

One way was through the Reading Bus! I'm almost all for Reading Bus anywhere in the world especially where poverty strikes. Oh, the unspeakable joy I had when I saw the book chest being opened during the launching right in front of all the children in the village, when the Reading Bus tuk tuk was ridden in...no words could I speak but I would say, "Smile speaks a million words too". At least for me at that very moment. I'm so glad to be able to play a small part in this Reading Bus in Cambodia.

My heart sank when I saw the Diamond Bridge where stempete happened last November while we were in Cambodia on medical mission. It brought back memories where people were so happy during the afternoon when we were at the water front but the tragedy happened in the night, while we were celebrating Water Festival at the Methodist Bible School. Almost 400 people died, some missing and some injured. Memory of a mother who were waiting for her child to be found in the hospital stayed fresh in my mind. Never know what happened to her and her child. I was really silent during the Mekong River cruise that night, simply enjoying the breeze while remembering that very incident.

Shopping was always craziness for many but not me, especially this time. I bought more for others rather than me, myself and I. I think I had enough, ok...more than enough. I'm just simply happy to see them happy with all the stuff they bought.

Oh yes...before I forget. Remember Tay Naro? It was such a blessing, privilege to be able to be in his new house after the old house was burnt down. Listening to his testimony, I am so amazed by the goodness and faithfulness of God, and I'm humbled by such huge faith they have in God. Simple, down-to-earth, godly, gentle, quietly zealous...this is just few words to describe Ps. Tay Naro.

Cry no more, Killing Fields....

Cry no more, Toul Sleng prison....

The Lord, our God will bring victory upon this land. He will pour His grace and mercy...He will fill it up with love and peace....

Cry no more....

HOPE is coming...!

Kampuchea, you shall always be in my heart!

No, I will never forget you till death/Alzheimer do us part!

Grace & Mercy

Living on regrets makes one sorrow.

Learning from regrets makes one grow.

So, I have been living on regrets which are making me sorrowful, BUT today, I shall write my regrets, make amendment to it, learn from it and move on, for the sake of my growth that I shall bring honour and glory unto Him.

I have been living with regrets since the day I shared during Plenary session for Young Teachers.

What happened?

I realised many things as I reflected on what came out of my mouth into the ears of others.

One... I was depending fully on my own ability, my own words, my own ideas...basically...all on my own strength.

Two... I was full of ego and pride. I spoke out of my own experiences of eight years as if it was all my own doing, being so experience and being so proud of it.

Three... I was self-glorifying myself with all the works I have done.

What was the cause?

One... I was not praying as how I should.

Two... I was doing too much, without a pause.

Three... I was not in a close relationship with Him all the time.

I regretted all that I've said, and I wish I could turn back time, do it all over again, but I could not, the damaged had been done. There is no turning back, except to make amendment right here and now. I frankly can't remember much the question posted to us but whatever I remember, I will amend it here.

Everything was actually by His grace. I realised I am able to do nothing without Him. I needed Him all the time whether I realised it or not. When I thought I could do everyone on my own, that's when I fall,

Having a Father who taught along with me was the greatest joy because I know when a situation is out of my control, I will be reminded to step back, and let God take the lead. It's not an easy thing to do when we are controlled by emotions and our hands and body works faster than our mind. Prayer does make all the difference.

Second, my students, they are God's gift to me that brings me much joy in my teaching as a vocation. Despite being faced with reality of this cruel world around us, having them around and before me, allows me to see God's love before me. I am strict and I do believe in discipline, but all done in the name of love. There is time for everything, there is time to be serious and there is time to be crazy.

TCF is God's gift to me to help me stay in my vocation as His instrument in my mission field, the school called SMK St Joseph, Miri. I can't deny it that I had a difficult time since the day I came into this school. I never knew the reason God put me in this school and all I could think of is, "Any other school is better than this school. I am going far far away from this school."

I survived the 8 years in this school with much tears, prayers, pain and being angry with everyone and everything because I could not take it any longer.

I was a TCF life member when I was in Form 6 but not until 2009 or was it 2010? can't remember but anyway, did God changed me from the inside out. He revealed His purpose to me, He let me see from a different perspective, He changed my heart, He spoke to me on many things.

Problems do not disappear, but I am still able to smile through it because I know He is a God. I am reminded again and again, this is the 2nd chance of life He had given me, and I will not waste it away. Who am I to complain when I do not deserve anything, but He had given me everything.

I am not perfect. I still make mistakes and I have my flaws, but it's again, His grace that forgave me. I am still learning and I will never stop learning because I am not perfect.

Conclusion... IT WAS ALL BY HIS GRACE & MERCY! And, by His grace and mercy, shall I go through my many more years in this teaching ministry, all for Him, all about Him, less of me and more of Him.

Amen!

Now, I am able to sleep and live (die) in peace, knowing I am not saying this amendment only to the limited ears of the conferees but to the borderless world.

Praise and glory be unto Him, who is ALL!

Amen!